I just could not turn my mind off last night. After a dinner of blue cheese and tequilla, I fell asleep with U2 Values swimming in my head.

I had the most amazing dream.

Jimi Hendrix showed me how to play the opening chord to “A Hard Day’s Night” on the Theremin. When I did it, his Afro opened and Mick Jones from Foreigner walked out playing “Head Games.” Each note he played floated into the air as a number, and each number flew like a butterfly until it landed on the gatefold of Led Zeppelin III in my hands. I turned the wheel on the album cover until all the numbers lined up to form an equation. Don Henley tapped me on the shoulder.

“That is where music comes from,” he said. “You’re not supposed to have that.”

I punched Henley right in his stupid mouth and took off with the album. Because I was trying to memorize the equation, I didn’t see David Crosby’s giant mustache. I tripped over it and fell off the side of the Golden Gate Bridge.

I woke up before I hit the water, of course. But the equation was fresh in my mind. I immediately wrote down what I could remember and assumed what I came up with had potential to change the world. I was right.

Behold! The new-and-improved U2 Value Calculator. Humanity can now determine just how real a legacy rock act is based on their history and current lineup. Prior efforts to capture that value were valiant, but imprecise. With my dream discovery, the results have changed for the better.

So if you’d like to find out how “real” a band is, just ask.