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If the world really ends on Dec. 21, who will report it?

THREE MONTHS and counting! Three months from today, Dec. 21, the Mayan long-count calendar ends.

Three months from today is when followers of Nostradamus say he predicted the world would end.

Three months from today Native American scholars say that the ancient Southwestern Indian culture predicted that human purification would occur and that the Fifth World would emerge.

Woooooo! That’s Stephen King stuff, maybe even Edgar Allan Poe.

For four or five years now, I have been counting down to the apocalypse and now the moment is almost upon us.

I don’t know if you have noticed, but the History Channel, which has run countless shows in the past several years regarding the Dec. 21, 2012, prophecies, has backed off in the past few months.

Do they know something Nostradamus didn’t?

Not me! I’m not backing off! If the world is going to end on Dec. 21, I want to be there to cover it.

That column should get me a Pulitzer Prize.

But I have to know where to be in order to get the story and a picture   and video for the Internet, if possible. To get myself in position, I suppose I first must figure out how the end will occur.

Will we get baked by an intense solar flare? There has been a great deal of sunspot activity this year. Maybe that’s how the end comes.

If so, the safest place to shoot a picture might be from the North Pole—with a really long telephoto lens. The equator is Earth’s closest point to the sun, so that’s likely where the flare will hit and I don’t want to be anywhere close to that.

So, the North Pole seems like a good spot. The ice up there will keep me and my equipment cool when global warming to-the-max comes.

Will it be a meteor or an asteroid that gets us? Some say a huge chunk of outer space is going to plunge down in a fiery ball and the ensuing blast will send us the way of the dinosaurs.

If that is true, a suite on the space station will be about the only safe place to set up a tripod.

What about a great flood? I don’t know. There have been no reports of anyone building an ark.

Besides, half the world is in a drought, according to the TV news. And the Bible says the world won’t be destroyed by water a second time.

But, if there is a big flood coming, the top of Mount Everest would make a good vantage point.

Will a hurricane destroy the world, you know, one of the Category 27 jobs? Well, there have been far fewer tropical systems this year than the “experts” predicted, so I’m not laying odds on wind wiping us out. Besides, the Atlantic hurricane season ends Nov. 30.

But if a hurricane is coming, the one place I don’t want to be is New Orleans, because that seems to be the only place in the United States where they hit.

Nuclear war? Since “the bomb” was invented, many have said that humans would ultimately wipe themselves out.

Hey! Now we’re getting somewhere. Every time there is protest in the Middle East, all my Republican friends cry, “Drop a nuclear bomb on them!”

In fact, the day there were protests in 20 Middle Eastern cities, a guy down at the music store said, “Send a cruise missile to each one of them! Take ’em all out!”

Might this happen? Might all the recent unrest in the Middle East be the beginning of World War III? Might someone push the infamous button on Dec. 21?

I’m gonna shoot my picture from a bunker if that happens.

I can prepare for all but one possibility. If a black hole sucks us in on Dec. 21, I don’t think even being on the space station would be safe.

Now I really don’t know for sure if the world is going to end on Dec. 21. Like everyone else, I’m just waiting and hoping the Mayans are wrong.

Have you noticed that there are a lot of 2s and 1s in this date? 12/21/2012? Is there a significance there? Only Stephen King knows for sure.

Of course, the Republicans contend that the world will end nine days earlier—if Barack Obama is re-elected.

The Electoral College will meet and confirm this year’s election results on 12/12/2012. Still the same numbers, just in a different order.

Hey! If the world doesn’t end on either of those two days, you might want to play 1s and 2s in the lottery both times.

You could be a winner!

Of course, if a black hole opens up, it might be hard to collect your prize.

Donnie Johnston: