Where does your lap go when you stand up?

BY DONNIE JOHNSTON

THE HOLIDAYS are over, and after a much-needed rest—from doing practically nothing—Congress goes back to “work” next week.

Meanwhile, about 100 miles down Interstate 95 from Washington, the Virginia General Assembly is also back in session in Richmond.

One of the key objectives of lawmakers each session is to figure out ways to waste the taxpayers’ money. And they usually do a pretty good job of it.

Still, these men and women sometimes need a little help in finding the proper rat hole down which to stuff the working man’s dollar. So this year I thought I’d help them out a little.

State and national politicians are always appropriating money for some idiotic study, like profiling the mating habits of the aardvark or determining why we can’t see the moon on a cloudy night.

Now, it is a crying shame to see millions of tax dollars go into such useless studies when there are extremely urgent issues that need to be explored.

To that end, I have come up with three really important issues that have always concerned me and that I believe deserve million-dollar studies. All three have major implications with regard to national security and world peace.

First, where does your lap go when you stand up?

If you’re sitting down, it is right there in front of you. But when you stand up, your lap disappears. What happens to it?

Science says that nothing is either lost or gained but merely transferred, so, under the laws of physics, your lap either has to go somewhere when you stand up or it must be producing energy.

I asked my teachers about this in school and none of them seemed to have an answer. To me it is an important question, and it should be to lawmakers, too.

I can hear you out there right now asking why. Laps are good only for holding babies and accommodating some dances, you say.

Au contraire, mon ami. Suppose a terrorist has a nuclear weapon on his lap and then he stands up. Will that weapon of mass destruction disappear just like the lap?

If that is the case, terrorists could very well be walking around with nuclear devices on their laps. But since you can’t see their laps, you likely can’t see the weapons, either.

Unless they are required to sit down when they are searched at airports, there is no telling what they are taking onto planes on their hidden laps.

This is important stuff, and I think both Congress and the General Assembly should study the issue.

Issue No. 2: We need a study to determine the effects that highways have on the buzzard population.

This is an issue that has weighed heavy on my mind for some time now, and I would like an answer to this vital question.

At first glance it would seem obvious that the more highways we have, the more road kill there is and the greater food supply there is for buzzards. That’s just common sense.

But common sense means nothing to a politician. He must have a study where some expert proves that buzzards benefit from highway construction. So let’s have one.

I want to know if there were more or fewer buzzards before motor vehicles and highways.

Why? That should be obvious. National security.

Suppose the president’s motorcade is zipping down the highway and his car is hit by a low-flying buzzard. True, it can’t penetrate the windshield, but blood and guts all over the windshield could cause the car to wreck.

If a study determines that this is a serious problem, then perhaps there should be fewer highways, for the protection of the president. Study it, folks.

Finally, I’d like a study to find out why God tells all these politicians to run for president and then lets them fall by the wayside—a matter of real national security.

Herman Cain stated that God instructed him to run, and now he has dropped out of the race. Michele Bachmann said God told her to run, and now she is gone.

Rick Perry told us that he also had a revelation from the Almighty to run, and now he might as well be gone.

I think we need a study to determine whether these people are just making this stuff up or if God is just playing tricks on Republicans.

From the looks of things, it appears that only Tim Tebow has a direct line to heaven these days. But I want to know for sure, so Congress should initiate a study.

If politicians are going to waste my tax money, at least they can waste it on issues that are important to me.

Donnie Johnston:

djohnston@freelancestar.com

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