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Man feels no love for Valentine drill

THIS IS THE DAY that tries men’s souls. Valentine’s Day.

This holiday has to have been a woman’s idea, because women are the only beneficiaries—beyond the third grade, anyway.

Well, that’s not quite true. Candy companies, florists, restaurants and card companies make a boatload of money today. Only men come out on the short end of the deal.

Nobody even seems to know how this crazy holiday got started. It was named for St. Valentine, but according to religious history there were at least three St. Valentines. And none of them was associated with love.

Maybe some woman whose last name was Valentine thought up this holiday and added the “St.” to conceal her identify from all the men who would like to tell her a thing or two.

No matter how it got started, Valentine’s Day is not a male’s favorite holiday.

You think we dread Christmas! We shudder even more when we realize that Valentine’s Day is coming. And we are not allowed to forget, because businesses bombard us with ads making it clear that Valentine’s Day is approaching and we had better get ready.

Take her to dinner at our restaurant! Send her flowers from our florist shop! Give her a heart-shaped box of candy that she probably won’t even eat! Send her a $10 card that plays a love song!

Do you hear the one word that keeps ringing in this scenario? Her! All this is for “her.” Nowhere is there a mention of “him.”

He is supposed to buy her candy and flowers and a card, and he is supposed to take her out to some fancy restaurant. What about us poor men? What do we get out of all this besides the bills at the end of the month?

We’re supposed to appreciate women. Hey! We appreciate women, but we’d like to be appreciated once in a while, too. Name me the holiday when women send flowers and candy and cards to men and take them out to dinner! It doesn’t exist. All these holidays are geared to women.

Look at Mother’s Day! Mama gets flowers and dinner and all kinds of stuff. What do men get on Father’s Day? An ugly tie or a pair of socks.

Telephone lines don’t get tied up on Father’s Day because children are calling their fathers. No! They get tied up on Mother’s Day with children calling their mothers.

Men always get the short end of the stick. How many of you women are taking your man out tonight? How many of you bought him a heart-shaped box of candy? How many of you had flowers delivered to him today?

OK, maybe a few of you bought him a card. But even if you did, I’ll lay odds that it doesn’t play a romantic tune. No! It’s always the men who have to show the affection.

This whole Valentine’s Day thing has just gotten completely out of hand. Some people are even sending cards to their kids and their aunts and uncles.

The holiday is supposed to be for lovers! Just because the card companies want to sell cards, that doesn’t mean you have to buy one for every relative on the planet.

I’m the most romantic man I know, but I’m all for getting rid of Valentine’s Day. Drop it from the calendar. February is too cramped. It is the shortest month of the year, yet it has the most holidays—three.

You want to send your best girl a card? Do it on Groundhog Day or Presidents Day. That would be appropriate in my case, because I’ve dated a few women in my time who resembled Punxsutawney Phil and Abraham Lincoln (minus the beard—I was never that desperate).

Somebody help us men! Just when we’re paying off Christmas bills we have to spring for an expensive dinner, flowers and candy. Give us a break—please!

Donnie Johnston: